Doggy Problems in LA

Overheard today at Starbucks. A very disheveled looking man was in front of me in line. He called his boss, and he had his phone on speaker phone so we were all ear witnesses to the funny exchange.
Man : Hi. Unfortunately I won’t be able to come into work today.
Boss: Are you sick?
Man: No , my dog told me that she needs me to spend time with her today.
Boss: Your dog told you this?
Man: Yes, I woke up and she told me to stay home because we lack quality time together.
Boss: You can bring her to the office. We really need you today, I’ll even bring special doggy treats.
Man: No, she doesn’t want to go into the office today. She wants us to have time together away from the office.
Boss: Well than can you get some work done virtually.
Man: I am being very clear to you. Peppermint and I need time together. I will come in early tomorrow.
He hung up, and ordered a Venti Latte, and two breakfast sandwiches. One for him and one for Peppermint. I was tempted to ask him to see a photo of Peppermint, but he was busy declining his Boss’ repeated calls.


Hula magic on the USC track

The USC track tonight was like some uncut scene from a Fellini film. My iPhone ran out of power, which forced me to be more observant of what was going on around me. Every one was moving in perfect synchronicity, with a pronounced sense of spatial awareness. Everyone running on the track seemed to glide on the track tonight seemingly surrounded by a fragile body halo of yellow tropicalesqe light. . An athletic man in a Usain Bolt track shirt sprinted effortlessly around the track , while his beautiful wife dressed in all white linen meditated and hummed an ancient chant , in a language that my DNA memory could not recognize. A woman, resembling Hope Solo, with a tight fitting USC track uniform sped around the bend, while her husband lazily read Steinback’s East of Eden on his Kindle . His bare back soothed by the soft green grass underneath him. Another man ran the hurdles, clearing all off them by more more then two feet, while his super tall transgender girlfriend painted her toe nails in the bleachers. Another very short Latina woman sped walk with her little black and white kitten in her back pack . A blue ballon on a long white string attached to her kitty running back pack had the words HAPPY ONE MONTH KATTY KAT! Two USC receivers practiced their routes on the north end of the football field. Their footwork like Nhamdi’s, their routes precise like Jerry Rice. I passed two grad students, one from India, and one from Pakistan discussing how their countries should learn to exist more peacefully. On the next lap I over heard two women arguing about which Korean BBQ restaurant was best in Korea Town.
Than a woman , with a bright red Hibiscus flower in her hair, stepped onto the middle of the field and started to dance a seemingly perfect hula dance all the while balancing a tall bottle of bright orange fluid. She distracted all of us, and everyone on the track began to collide into each other. One of the maintenance guys was so mesmerized by this woman doing the hula dance that he shined a flood light on her. Soon all of us gathered around to watch her magical and fluid hula dance moves. A gentle expression of peace and happiness on her face. When she ended her hula dance after about ten minutes. We all clapped.
” What’s in the bottle?” asked the woman resembling Hope Solo.
” Orange flavored Gatorade with Tumeric and a Vitamin B Tonic. Keeps me hydrated and I”m battling cancer.” Said the Hawaiian woman. After she walked off the field, we all continued running our laps, locked in pensive thought. I think I’ll start running on the track without music blasting in my ears from now on.hula_dancer_by_no_elani-d2xst5b

The Gold Pen, the KGB Talent Agent , and Sunny Chine

This really happened at my last audition. This old school eightyish Russian Mafioso agent dude with really bad b.o. raced into our audition room. We all crumpled our noses as his B.O. invaded the room. He kept entering the casting room insisting that I pay special attention to his new and precious client SUNNY CHINE. He looked like a KGB officer from the Breshnev days. One of my casting assistants Cherry Pie, told him that Sunny Chine would have to wait her turn. Then the Russian Agent handed me an elegant fountain pain painted in gold! It was heavy too. Weighed at least 8 oz.
” I am Mr. Krieglov”, he announced and this is a very special, expensive, luxurious pen for you.” I immediately held my hand up
” I can’t accept this gift. But thank you. ”
” You take this pen. You keep this pen. And you bring my client Sunny Chine to call backs.
” Homie don’t play that.” I told him.
” What does that mean? I understand you not? ”
” I cannot accept this pen. Now, please leave so we can continue.”
Fast Forward to 20 minutes later, and Sunny Chine blows us all away with an other worldly audition. She was so light of being during her performance I could swear she was levitating. Her audition was flawless. One of the best I have ever seen. After she left the room, my other casting assistant, Gudring, handed me the gold pen.
” Sunny’s manger told me to give this to you.” I ran out of the audition room and looked for Mr. Krieglov and Sunny in the waiting area. They were no where to be found. Than I went outside, just as he drove off in his gold Rolls Royce. He and Sunny both waved at me smiling as if there was no tomorrow. They waved like Royals. The pen is beautiful. I really like it, but I plan to return it at call backs. Unless of course Sunny gets the part, and Mr. Krieglov brings me a fresh bottle of black Indian ink. ‪#‎hollyweird‬Sheaffer_Targa_Fountain_Pen_44

Hollyweird. ISO Joan Didion

This really happened today at our audition. A frantic actress entered the room. My casting staff member Cherry Pie asked her :
“Are you ok? ”
“No! I haven’t been called in, and I’ve been here for an hour!”
” What’s your name?” asked Cherry Pie.
” Heather Lachner. My name is Heather Lachner”, replied the flustered actress with Farrah Fawcett feathered back hair.
” Let me have a look “, said Cherry Pie as she looked through the list of scheduled actors. ”
” I don’t have a Heather Lachner. Sorry.”
” Because I changed my name to Mary Lambini.”
” Why didn’t you sign in as Mary Lambini?” Asked Cherry Pie.
” Well I just changed my name, thats why!” Shouted Mary Lambini.
” When did you change your name?”
” This morning! And I ‘m tired of waiting, and I have another audition.”
” Ok then come in Mary.”
” My name is Heather! Gosh-O-Matic!” The collective eye roll amongst my staff was enough to shift earth’s axis. She slammed her headshot onto the table and the name on her head shot was Diane Loca. ‪#‎hollyweird‬